You're Not As Smart As You Aren't
by Stewart MacDonald
Summary: Sigfried and Yoshimitsu, friends since childhood, become roommates to maintain rent on Sigfried's new house. However, when a third roommate, Voldo, who believe laziness is an art, move in, things get a little off kilter, well, more so. T for language.
1. Prologue

**A/N: My first Soul Calibur Two fiction, that will undoubtedly be one of my favourites to write. I have always enjoyed messing with the characters in that game, writing out short little funny skits making fun of them and putting them into stupid scenarios, so I'm going to do so with my favourite three characters. Nightmare, Voldo, and Yoshimitsu. The stupid scenario: They're roommates. They have pretty average lives, and they deal with the idiotic stress of everyday life. So enough of the idiotic blabbing; that's what the story is for.**

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**You're Not As Smart As You Aren't**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Calibur Two or any of the other characters herein. I also do not own anything else that might be mentioned that happens to belong to some other company and/or person. I do acredit myself with the awesome pairing of Cassandra and Sigfried/Nightmare. The characters behaviour herein may also be considered out of character. Such as Sophitia's bitchy sisterness, and Voldo's lazy bumness. Yoshimitsu is just creepy, and some other weird character shifts may be noticed. The point? Get over it. It's all for the sake of being funny. **

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**Prologue**

"Oh hell." Voldo sighed. The smoke that poured from the deep fryer was an inky black and did not spell a happy ending for his fast food career. So, as his sacred duty (And probably his last) As the McDonalds bus boy, Voldo put down his PSP and dove nimbly towards the plug. He was too late, however, the tongues of flame had begun to erupt out of the grease pit and were gaining substance.

"Voldo! Get your bandaged ass over to the drive-thru window, or I'll stick my foot up it!" His manager, Murray, screamed from the back room. Murray must not know about the small grease fire that had erupted in his kitchen, or it would mean the end of Voldo's ten dollar an hour job.

The situation was almost funny, really. He had put the McNuggets into the deep fryer, and then with an absent glance at his PSP; figured out it could play music. He popped in his headphones, and literally fell asleep to one of the preset songs they have on the nifty contraptions. He had awoken to the screams of withering McNuggets and the stench of career ending, crisping chicken. So as the black smog filled the kitchen, he had to run the window, or he was fired either way.

He could always pin the fire on someone else; Like Yunsung. Him and Murray hated each other anyways. Murray called Yunsung "Ching-Chung." And Yunsung called Murray a douchebag; not to his face, of course. There would be no love lost. The hopes of avoiding the situation shattered as Necrid walked in to place one of the counter orders and saw the blazing inferno.

"Bleaghen Rarrgh!!!" The big green creature howled in dismay and began bawling incoherently beyond that, and running around in circles, hitting his head off stuff. This of course, attracted more attention than needed. So as he unplugged the contraption, and the fires blazed higher, Murray's voice boomed from the storage room.

"Who burnt the retard with a ciggarette again?" The red faced man roared, and his heavy footfalls were heard. Voldo freaked out. There was very little he could do. Then it hit him. So as Necrid made another round towards him, screaming his ugly head off, Voldo gracefully stepped forward, grabbed Necrid by the scalp, and slammed his face into the deep fryer, covering the flames and creating a perfect alibi. Murray strode forth, and his eyes widened. "What the Hell?"

"Sir!" Voldo screeched. "He's eating all the McNuggets!" Voldo pretended to pull the now unmoving Necrid from the blazing heap. "I couldn't stop him, he was like a man possessed. I think we should stop feeding him the grease from the deep fryer." Voldo shook his head, sweating heavily.

"I also think I should stop hiring employees who will boil their co-workers faces off to cover their own asses! Pack your bags, mummy boy. Your gone."

"Well damn..." Voldo sighed. "Can I keep the deep fryer?"

* * *

"Sigfried! It's amazing!" Cassandra squealed, wrapping her arms around her blond boyfriend. They stood in front of the large two bedroom house on the edge of a small forest. It was a little out of the way, but it was near a campsite and it had only one other house near it. Sigfried couldn't agree with his girlfriend of a year more. "I can't wait to move in with you after I finish college!" 

It was perfect, it was more than perfect. The only inconvenience would be roommates. If Cassandra had to finish college first, (Another year) He would need help paying off the rent. He believed he knew just the man for the job. Nightmare's lifelong friend, Yoshimitsu, would probably love to live in the large house with him. It had to be better then where he was right now; a smelly apartment next door to a screaming banshee of an old lady.

Not to mention they could probably go hiking in the woods whenever. There was nothing more refreshing and soothing than walking down a forest trail with your best friend. It would be perfect: Sigfried knew it.

* * *

"It's as simple as this." Voldo explained to Raphael (His landlord), who now grimaced at him across the table. "I can't make rent because I have no job. Given the current scenario, I should get money after I can pay off my charges from the lawsuit filed by Necrid's family. Not to mention I have Human Rights up my ass. Can you believe it? Apparently sticking a mentally challenged green thing's face in grease is abuse. Anyways, what I'm saying is, I could chill for a bit... You know? A small free ride, and you'd have your money in no time." 

The graceful landlord shifted. "I don't know, Voldo..." Raphael rubbed his chin and his blue eyes appeared lost in thought. "I'll have to take some time to think about it..."

Voldo smiled and stood. "You take as much time as you need! You know I have infinite patience!"

Raphael smiled and looked at him. 'Well! I just thought about it! How about no? I want you out by sundown tomorrow, or I'll get more than Human Rights up your ass."

Voldo recoiled. "Um, excuse me, but that's a tad innapropriate! I could file a lawsuit for that!" He stammered, backing up.

Raphael clapped a hand over his face. "For God's sake. Shut up! Just hurry up and get out of here as fast as you can. For the sake of the community."

Voldo sighed and began to gather his stuff. "For the sake of my ass' virginity..." He muttered. It was going to be a long week.

* * *

"Well, I dunno. It's kind of a big change." Yoshimitsu yelled as he ducked to avoid a sailing cat. "I mean, I'm so at home here!" 

Sigfried sighed in exasperation. "You spend your days spying on people, frightening people, and dodging objects flung at you by your octogenarian neighbor! How can you stand that!" He protested.

Yoshimitsu shrugged and sighed. "I dunno, it's kind of the scheme of things. I've gotten adjusted, ya' know?" He picked up the large white cat and tossed it out the apartment window. "I couldn't live without this place." There was the sound of screeching tires and honking horns from below, as well as someone howling, 'My ear!'

Sigfried took him aside. "Look, man. My place is amazing. Out of the way, quiet..."

"Yes, I understand. But this apartment is a goldmine! Next to other high-rises, lots of people to watch... Plenty of random places to hide in... Rats the size of rabbits... And my neighbors need me!" Yoshimitsu concluded as he pivoted to avoid the collection of butterknives flung through a hole in the wall. "Not to mention there's no rent fee."

Sigfried groaned. "That's the only reason your still here, isn't it!"

"Probably, yeah." Yoshimitsu pondered. "I mean, I do have a job, so I have all this extra money that doesn't have to go to bills!"

"So instead it just goes towards getting new stuff that just gets broken and defecated on?" Sigfried pointed.

Yoshimitsu started to laugh. "Yeah." He gave the hole in the wall a furtive glance. "Fine, I'll go. But it better be a decent price."

"It is, it's going to be split between three people. We just need a room mate." The tall blond grinned.

"Well! That should work out! I mean, it's not like we can find a total slob." Yoshimitsu cackled wildly at his joke and sauntered through a large hole in the wall. He reappeared seconds later with a duffle bag full of clothes.

"That's all your bringing?" Sigfried asked him, confused.

"Well yeah. It's the only things that didn't get stolen."

Sigfried laughed. "Welcome aboard, buddy."

* * *

"Waddaya think?" Sigfried clapped Yoshimitsu on the back as they stood in the entrance way of the new house. Yoshimitsu sniffed in contempt. 

"It's nice and all, but we only have one neighbor, and their house is a little further than I anticipated... I'm going to need better binoculars."

Sigfried sputtered in protest. 'Why the hell are you obsessed with watching people? Are you like, a pervert?!"

"Oh, heavens no!" Yoshimitsu laughed. "I'm just naturally curious. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff people do in the confines of their own lairs. I had this one neighbor at the high-rise who'd take this turkey and-"

"Okay!" Sigfried cut him off. "You can do whatever, just promise you won't make it too creepy!"

Yoshimitsu laughed again. "Yes, yes. I get the room facing the other house though, deal?"

"But that was going to be my-" Sigfried started.

"Great!" Yoshimitsu beamed and bounded up the stairs with his duffle-bag.

"Do you even know where it is?" Asked Sigfried as he started up the stairs after him. He was met with silence. "Yosh?" He nervously inquired.

"AHA!" Yoshimitsu screamed as he leapt out from behind the potted plant beside the stairway. Sigfried shrieked in mortal terror and fell backwards down the stairs. Yoshimitsu plodded down after him. "Seriously though, I don't know where it is at all. You're going to have to help me find it."

Sigfried, white and shaking, got to his feet. "You're not going to make a habit out of that, are you?"

"What?" Yoshimitsu asked, genuinely confused. "Oh! The jumping out from behind random shit and scaring people?" He shrugged. "I dunno, it's kind of a hobby. I really do it without thinking these days."

"That's beautiful." Sigfried sighed in distress. "Okay, it's on the left hall, last door."

"Roger." Yoshimitsu confirmed and pranced up the steps once again. Sigfried went to follow him, thought better of it, and strode to the kitchen. This was going to be quite the year.

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**Well thats all for the prologue. I hope this gives everyone a good idea of whats to come though. I'm really looking forward to writing through this, so feedback is welcome, and will be replied too. Constructive criticism is extremely welcome, as I'm always looking to grow as a writer.**

**-Stewart**


	2. Voldo Checks In

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**You're Not As Smart As You Aren't**

**Chapter One**

**Voldo Checks In**

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Sigfried crept warily from his bedroom, a large aluminum baseball bat clutched in his hands. He scanned the hallway, and was relieved to find Yoshimitsu absent. Nonetheless, he used an extreme amount of caution as he left the safety of the doorway. When nothing happened, he turned and checked in Yoshimitsu's room. He lay facedown and sleeping on his bed-sideways, clad only in a pair of Spongebob boxers.

Sigfried shook his head and smiled and turned around.

"AHA!" Yohsimitsu screeched and jumped out from the bathroom across the hall, fully clothed.

Sigfried shrieked in terror and toppled. He gasped for air. "How'd you, what?" He looked back and forth.

"So yeah, the neighbors got a new dog. It pissed on our mailbox this morning." Yoshimitsu explained as if nothing at all had just happened. "Something's going to have to be done, and besides, it'll get us introduced. The guy's wife is pretty hot, and so is his daughter. Might be good to, you know, keep our options open."

"Dude," Sigfried said between hyperventilation. "I have a girlfriend."

"Well, in all honesty Sigfried, I was talking to myself about that. You gotta stop being so selfish." Yoshimitsu shook his head in disgrace and walked away. Sigfried watched him go with an expression of sheer terror and turned towards the bathroom. "Yeah, don't bother using the shower. I used up all the hot water washing my throw-rugs."

"What?!" Sigfried exploded. "We do have a freaking washing machine! You know this, right?!"

"Yeah, but washing them in the shower makes doing laundry a much more intimate experience. You get to know the laundry, you get to become one with-"

"I get it. I'll put up with lukewarm."

Yoshimitsu shook his head. "Nah, I used the last of the lukewarm having a shower for myself after I was done scrubbing down the rugs." He barely had time to duck as Sigfried hucked a houseplant at his skull. "Well that was negative. What did that accomplish?"

"Nothing, seeing as it missed." Sigfried growled and stormed downstairs. Yoshimitsu clicked his tongue disapprovingly and retreated to his room to spy on the neighbors.

* * *

Voldo peered around the street through the thick sunglasses. He spotted a large family walking towards him and he readied himself. A large Panama sat upside-down by his feet, where an accumulated fifty dollars sat. "Money for the blind?" He asked groping blindly. They looked sadly at him and dug through their pockets before depositing thirty bucks. "Thankya friend!" Voldo cried. "God bless you!" They walked away and Voldo grinned. At the rate he was going, he'd have a PS3 by sundown.

"Voldo?" A familiar voice asked. He turned around to see Murray standing there, his eyes narrowed.

"Uh, hey, sir!" Voldo said with a grin. "Weird eh? Turns out years of slave labor at the fast food joint blinded me."

"You were only there three days!" Murray screamed. "Not only are you a selfish weirdo, you're a con artist too!"

"Sir, your lack of confidence in me is not only surprising but painful. My therapist warned me about people like you. Nothing constructive comes of it-"

"Get those sunglasses off your face before I stuff them up your rear! You're perfectly capable of getting another job!" Murray was going a shade of red that reminded Voldo of ketchup. This was making him hungry.

"Well, I was, until a hobo ate my seeing eye-dog. Oh, and I can say hobo with no guilt, seeing as that's what I've been reduced to by your demeaning system of conformity and-" Voldo was cut off as his former employer balled up a newspaper and hucked it at his face.

"If you're so damn desperate, find another job, and don't let me see you out here again!"

"Oh, so we start with the sight jokes... Next you'll be moving stuff around on me and laughing as I helplessly fumble!" Murray had no response, and simply threw up his arms and stormed off. Voldo took off his sunglasses and unrolled the newspaper to read the classifieds. A familiar name caught his eyes. 'Roommate needed, apply to Sigfried or Yoshimitsu.' His high-school buddies, right before his nose.

"Hey, you're not blind!" A small kid yelled at him, pointing accusingly.

"Who says!?" Voldo scowled and continued to read the newspaper.

"You're a bad man!" The kid accused.

"And you're short." Voldo said absently as he turned on his heel and made his way towards the address of his old friends, making sure to grab his Panama. He jingled it and grinned to himself. It could be a good week after all.

* * *

Cassandra rolled her eyes and ate another fry as Sophitia went on. "I swear sis, you're wasting your time with that guy. He's never going anywhere, he listens to crappy music, and-"

"Just what, Soph, does his musical taste have to do with how he lives his life?!" Cassandra snapped. She couldn't help it, she loved her sister, but Sophitia had this tendency. You know, the one where she never shut up? They were in a cafe outside the college, as it was lunch, and what Cassandra assumed was just going to be some friendly sister time had turned into a lecture about how much better she could do.

"I don't know, why don't you ask Marilyn Manson. Now he doesn't let his music interfere with his lifestyle."

"Nice, sis. He doesn't even like Marilyn Manson."

"That's not the point, the point is, he's a bum. He has a good job, but he still hangs around with people like Yoshimitsu. Isn't that a bit weird?" Sophitia was talking quite loud, and everyone in the building appeared to be more interested than Cassandra was.

"Yoshimitsu?!" Kilik inquired from the table beside them. "That guy killed my grandma's cat!"

"Look, for once can't you stay out of things?" She groaned.

"I loved that cat..." Kilik sighed, and returned to his coffee sullenly.

"Not you!" Cassandra snapped.

"Well, I would if you knew how to make those 'things' work." Sophitia took an angry bite of her burger. "Now, I wouldn't mind if you were with someone like my boyfriend..."

"Oh my God, Soph! You just brought up an important counterpoint for me, how the hell can you judge Sigfriend when you're dating Raphael?!"

"Hey! He's sophisticated, and he's quite rich." Sophitia sniffed.

"Yeah, and sophisticated doubles nicely for 'complete douchebag'! He looks down on everyone, even you!" Cassandra practically screamed.

Sophitia sighed in irritation and stood. "Fine! Make your own mistakes! Don't let your sister's help get in your way!" She promptly stalked out.

"What a bitch." Kilik noted.

"What a nosy bastard!" Cassandra screamed buried her face in her hands and breathed deeply. "Wow, some help." She laughed as she noted Sophitia had left the bill. Shaking her head, she moved to the counter to pay.

* * *

"What the fuck?!" Sigfried roared and sat bolt upright in the couch as the sound of deathbells rang through the house. "Is it the Apocalypse already!?"

"No, no!" Yoshimitsu yelled as he popped out from behind the couch. "It's the new doorbell I put in. Crazy, right?!"

"We haven't even unpacked and you're installing custom doorbells?" Sigfried gasped.

"Isn't that the first thing you do?" He chuckled and started to walk upstairs.

"Aren't you going to get that?!"

"Hell no." Came the disembodied reply as Yoshimitsu dissapeared upstairs. "Our neighbour, Malcolm. You know the guy who talks like Richard O'Brien in The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well, I haven't seen his wife for a few days. I think he may have killed her."

"How the hell do you draw that conclusion? How do you know his name, for that matter?! We've never even met them!"

"He's also a robot." Yoshimitsu roared down the stairs, ignoring Sigfried's question.

"Oh, for the love of God." Sigfried sighed. "I'll get the frocking door!"

"He never eats. Orders pizza sometimes... Tips well... But he never eats..." Yoshimitsu rumbled to himself from above. Sigfried pulled open the door and stopped dead.

"Holy balls, dude! I don't believe it!" Sigfried screamed and embraced his friend.

"Easy!" Voldo gasped. "Brittle bones, brittle bones!"

"Nice!" Sigfried laughed. "Used that one on the gym teacher to get out of the 12 minute run."

"Naw, that was the prostate exam gone wrong shpiel. I used brittle bones to get out of the beep test." Voldo grinned. "I heard you guys need a room-mate."

"Is that Voldo?!" Yoshimitsu howled, jumping out from behind the door, which flung forward and knocked Sigfried to the ground. Voldo shrieked and leapt into the air, before realizing who it was. "Hold me, bitch!" Yoshimitsu screamed and embraced his old friend.

"What've you been up to?" Sigfried asked as he stood, rubbing his shoulder.

"Oh, you know me. I play the field. Did a gig at the bank..."

"You worked at a bank?!" Yoshimitsu exclaimed. "You?"

"Fuck no. I stole a whole shitload of their tie on pens and sold them back to them though. Then I decided to go straight and tried my hand at the bowling alley. Got fired after I fell asleep though. Turns out bowling balls are the number one killer of children uner four in this town..." He looked off into space for a moment before snapping back to attention. "Worked at McDonald's... And ended up trying to drown Necrid in grease."

"I remember him." Sigfried said. "Used to walk around the school mumbling, and every time you said chicken-balls he'd slam his head off a locker."

"Yeah. Fucker got Chinese Take-Out day banned." Yoshimitsu scowled. "Did you kill him?" Yoshimitsu appeared quite hopeful. "I've thought about you know, those nights when sleep wouldn't come... And I would crave those sultry chicken balls... Only to know it wold never be."

"Naw. Third degree burns on the face though. Lost my job."

"Ah! The third-degree burns! I like your style!" Yoshimitsu cackled diabolically.

"Yup. Now I'm self-employed!"

"Unemployed?" Sigfried corrected.

"More or less." Voldo shrugged. "So I need a place to crash."

"Alright!" Sigfried grinned. "Rent is-"

"Ah, about that. Kind of not happening." Voldo said as he stormed past and tossed his stuff in the corner of the living room. "I call couch!"

Sigfried went to exchange a glance with Yoshimitsu, but his other friend was already back upstairs. "Seriously man!" Yoshimitsue hollered. "It's three o' clock, and his wife should be home anytime, and she won't be! She's dead, man! He fucking ate her!"

"What's he talking about?" Voldo chuckled.

"Oh, apparently our neighbour is a cyborg." Sigfriend stood over the couch. "Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but without paying-"

"Dude! You got HD?! Tell me you get Blade TV! Every Saturday night they have Squirrel Wars. I've heard it's a work of art in HD." Voldo whooped as he found it. "Man this is a dream come true. God bless ya', Siggy!"

Sigfried opened his mouth to protest once again... But he paused. How could he deny a friend like Voldo? Voldo was always there for him in high school. When the other kids would pick on Sigfried for having long hair, it was Voldo who urinated in their lockers. Voldo who chased them off with compasses. Voldo was the best friend he had ever- His thoughts were cut off as a loud fart reverberated from below him.

"Oh damn." Voldo groaned. "Chili was a bad choice. Gimme a minute friend. Where's your bathroom?"

"Down the hall-" Sigfried clapped a hand over his mouth and nose. "Dude, what the fuck! I taste it!" He gagged desperately and collapsed upon the ground, trying to keep his lunch down, tears in his eyes. "Why? Why?" He sobbed. Voldo's laughter shook from the bathroom, and was promptly cut off by another loud farting noise.

"I hope you have Lysol!" Voldo sang. "And a big-ass plunger!"

"Hey! We do have those!" Yoshimitsu smiled sunnily as he came downstairs with a shotgun. "I don't think they're unpacked yet though. What a shame."

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sigfried screamed, pointing to the shotgun.

"Oh, this?" Yoshimitsu laughed and primed the pump briskly. "It's a well known fact that flesh-eating robots can only be killed with shotguns."

"Put it down! He's not a robot!"

"Fine! You'll be sorry when you wake up with half your stomach gone. We're next, Sig!" Yoshimitsu warned as he trooped back up the stairs. He then exploded from the other side of the couch, pressing his face right up against Sigfried's, whom may have just pissed his pants. "We're next..." He hissed, and scampered off.

Sigfried banged his head off the floor. You gotta love your friends, right?


End file.
